I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
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