so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
