The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
