help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
