at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
