Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
