I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
