So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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