My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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