Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
