and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Is it because I queefed?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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