I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
