To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
