I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The struggles of a small town man whore
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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