i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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