The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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