Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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