My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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