its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Houston, we have a blender
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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