i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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