I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
