I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
