Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
