i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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