Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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