what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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