So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
