Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
