I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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