I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
