Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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