are you still at the devil's house?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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