Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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