i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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