My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
