i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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