when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
