My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
ugly people sure do ruin things
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
