TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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