If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
