I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
