So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You're breaking my sexual little heart
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
