It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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