Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
