I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
this boner is exhausting
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
