The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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