P.S. I can't hear my feet
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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