ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
