i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
