oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
this boner is exhausting
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Randomize
