I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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